ADA: 

I never actually thought that I would write this but well things change. Growing up my darling father did not permit friendships as such. We had cousins and family friends that were our friends but beyond that nothing more. I used to wonder why they would not allow us to have friends like that except of course our wonderful neighbors’ who also double as family members, he used to tell me that: friends could kill you. I have wondered what this meant for the longest possible time.

SHEILA: 

I have written about friendships a couple of times and I promised myself I would never write another piece on it but yea after reading Ada’s message to me, I had a change of heart. Ada and I have been friends for almost five years now…thanks to NYSC..woohoo!

I grew up as an only child and my parents never let me have friends as such. I would have the one or two good friends but I never did slumber parties, going to parties that were not school related  and all that cute stuff. My mother would say I was too emotional as a kid to make friends because I would end up crying when they did something wrong to me…well she wasn’t wrong about that. I had lots of adults around me so I knew how to handle the older crowd but never my age mates especially the girls. 

ADA:

As I went from university to adulthood, I’m sure a lot of people have noticed that my lips are sealed when it comes to my personal business. In fact, people have berated me to a large extent as to why I’m so ‘caged’. I’m sorry but trust is not one of my strong points- I do not trust anyone. This has stemmed from a lot of things having being friends with people eons older than me, mostly women and even largely men; I learnt a lot from them. I also know that your friend might not like you and is just pretending to. I am also not a fan of female gossip; it tires me, all the endless bickering about men and marriage. Young women tend to dwell on a lot of tiring stuff that I can’t keep up with. I also sincerely like my company and I’m really not interested in what goes on in anybody’s life. I know it sounds selfish but, it’s the truth. This explains why sometimes I can go for ages without a word to anyone, a call, an SMS, or even an email. Maybe I’m self absorbed. 

SHEILA:

In my transition through life from university even into adulthood, I had to learn things the hard way. I always ended up with toxic friendships that caused me getting hurt and of course DRAMA!. Problem is, I was too trusting and was open as a book, so I would speak with no reservations about my plans and future and even the guy I had a crush on. I was so used to being open because I was trained to be open about my feelings ‘with family’ but wasn’t trained on being open with ‘friends’. I learnt to be selfless, opened up my home and heart to people that should never have been at the front door in the first place only to be attacked with things that were acts of kindness and being what I believed was a definition of a ‘true friend’. Friends were family to me, the sisters and brothers I did not grow up with or so I thought. 

ADA:

In recent times, I have tried to change my ways, yes, I made an effort but I realized a lot of people especially women are toxic. We do not want the same things from life and so on. So I quit trying. I am honestly not cut out to please anybody. I live by the 3Fs-if you are not feeding, fucking or financing me……….I don’t give a fuck! Honestly, even if I am shagging you I seldom give a fuck! I used to have a friend that was always talking about her childhood and how she was abandoned by her mother, and how there were witches everywhere in her family, she also constantly complained about being broke. Well, I just told myself that I wasn’t perfect and I needed to be around positive people, so I moved on, she had her good points, don’t get me wrong, but the ‘bad’ was too much for me to live with. Don’t judge me. I also had another friend that was obsessed with other women’s husband, I’m not judging anyone but please don’t try to rope me into babalawo and juju things now haba!, stop goggling their wives and criticizing them. If he did not like her he wouldn’t have married her. He is also never going to leave his wife for you. End of Story! 

SHEILA:

Due to all the unnecessary drama and pain, I tried to change, yup! I decided to stop making friends, stop talking about my life or in popular naija girl style, give false information. I adopted the 3F theory by Ada and went into my own shell, even with some extended ‘family’ members I decided not to speak because I knew it was a toxic cycle which ended up with my gist coming back to me from a separate source and with the emergence of the Blackberry, I am talking different countries and time zones. I have made friends with all sorts of people, and don’t get me wrong I have some very good friends that I know have my back any day, they have become my sisters and brothers. The same set of chics that never go off  each time I review my future bridesmaids list (we all have one..lol)

ADA:

This is real life not tales by moonlight. I’ve also had friends who want to be single parents but still can’t feed themselves properly, how then can you pay a child’s tuition? I am perplexed and I do not mean to be anti- friendships but I sincerely want only positive people around me, if you can’t stay positive and you’re constantly jealous of others; please drive to the nearest bridge and jump into the sea. People who also can’t have a rewarding or fulfilling conversation and the only thing they do well is analyzing and criticizing other people: their diction, habits and style. I’m amazed- I think a lot of people are insecure about themselves. If we are going to have a conversation and the only thing you want to do is talk about how Juliet walks, talks, dresses, acts and so on, then maybe you should go to Ochanga market in Onitsha and get a stall. 

SHEILA:

In one of my devotionals, it talked about friendships and trust. I then realised that I wasn’t wrong for trusting but I was wrong for not discerning early. So I surrounded myself with only positive people, and hoped that I was discerning right. It’s not been an easy journey for me but this time I have been able to read between the lines, and hopefully gotten rid of all or should I say most toxic friendships in my life.

ADA:

It’s better to stay alone than have a toxic individual in your life consistently tugging at your skin or another person’s.

SHEILA:

It’s better to stay alone than have a toxic individual in your life consistently tugging at your skin or another person’s…and some people are only in your life for a phase, there’s no need dragging them along when they become a burden. 

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