No one knows what its like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes.
That’s a line from one of my favourite rock bands, Limp Bizkit and it’s very appropriate for this post. I grew up too quickly; saw things a young girl shouldn’t have seen and had stuff happen that shouldn’t have happened. I quickly became my own best friend, keeping stuff inside till I became consumed with feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. I got into boarding school and found myself strolling to the junior block after junior prep every night because I knew it would be deserted. I contemplated jumping over the balcony and in my mind’s eye I’d see me die, see people find my lifeless body, see my mother wail when told and would even imagine my own funeral. Things came to a head the night I put my legs over the balcony of the top floor and made to jump. The only thing that stopped me was the sound of approaching footsteps.
I carried these feelings with me into college and it got worse when I got raped in my second year by someone I thought I knew. I practically skinned my scalp and told everyone that I wanted a new look; they believed me. I made friends easily and nobody guessed what was wrong. I tried many times to talk to my friends but the words wouldn’t come out and they couldn’t see the pain through my eyes. No one had a clue how deep this pain was etched in my heart…not even my mother.
Depression has been termed by Nigerians as a white man’s ‘thing’; we believe everyone has problems and can deal with them…. I disagree….I so disagree. I’ve spoken with a number of people over the years and I can categorically state that depression is a disease; one that becomes more evident as time passes. One that is hardly noticed till it is too late.
Its easy to criticize people who get depressed but not everyone possesses the inner strength; people who we see as “strong” men and women are usually the ones who have an ongoing battle with it. I grieve when I hear people say things like ‘abeg what is depressing her?…stand up jo’...as they continue to have a callous attitude to those who suffer silently….they are suffering and smiling in the words of the Late Fela Anikulakpo-Kuti; while we watch them each day not realizing they may be one step closer to ending their own lives.
Often times it only takes true friends to know what’s going on, after all the parties, male-gisting, fashion wishing; a true friend would know that something is wrong and all the laughing is only a defensive front. People suffering from depression only need someone to talk to, to share their pain and pull them out of it, they know something is wrong but they cannot come out of it all alone. They are trapped in a wall of emotions, a cage with no key with feelings of sadness, emptiness, hopelessness, worthlessness and maybe guilt.
Maybe if we stopped using ‘how are you’ as a cliché and started being truly concerned about people around us, especially those we call friends or maybe if we stopped living in our concrete quarters with our selfish desires and gave someone a genuine listening ear, or a smile from the heart, we’d probably save one person a day from the clutches of depression.
It would only take a bit of your time…nothing more.
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P.S – This piece was written by a friend….I just edited and added some things….:)
You can save a life with a smile…it only takes a second
L8r
S.Charles
Reading this gave me goosebumps. Everything felt like I put pen to paper and wrote the story, only with a different scenario.
A lot of people do go through depression and if we do not recognize the symptoms early, it can decline to something we cannot control.
I have been there, done that. People seem to think that just because you have a huge-ass grin on your face, you dress glamourously, and spend everyday on twitter you are not depressed. No. It is simply a way of trying to hang on to sanity. Trying to pretend you are fine.
Good piece, Sheila!
This is the straight up truth….. Depression is not just for the white man, we all need to wake up and care for one another…. Especially females!!!! Enough of “girls have issues” then you keep to yourself and all we later hear about is DEATH… So many misguided words have left us bare. No more put it in the MAN BOX or you’re a woman you should be strong….. CRY FOR HELP if you need HELP!!!!
Nice one Sheila.
Very true! Cry for help to the right people! People that really care about you. Not people that just want your story as ‘gist’….
Sad but poignant piece Sheils.
Ditto “Miz’s” sentiment on been there, done that & people thinking because you’re shining you’re 32, you’re not sad inside. It’s imperative people get help or speak with someone (you don’t want to wait until it’s too late).. Plus, peeps need to stop that claim that “speaking to a therapist means you’re crazy”. Rather, it just means you love yourself enough to get help…
And true talk on it takes “true friends” going beyond the surface to see if we’re really doing okay. Thank God for them..
Again, great piece lady. I’m glad your friend is okay…
Behing blue eyes indeed…
Very well written and so true. I hope your friend gets the help she needs, depression can kill.
True ds….I get depressed all d tym….had to visit a pseudo shrink….hopefully ll get to see a shrink someday…..
Depression…if not treated kills…if I ve to go into d physiological and then d pathological response of depression…its gonna be anoda post!
But its a psycho-somatic disorder that shud not be joked with!
But if the person doesn’t reach out to you, how are you supposed to know?
Hmmmmm….glad to know ur friend made it. This piece breaths life, bringing with it memories of lost loved ones who dint make it…cuz no one knew what they were going through until they were gone.
Showing kindness and taking out time to really know what’s up with others without being pushy isn’t so bad. You never can tell when a smile or a kind part on the back could save some1 from the egde
Very touching. Very true.nice piece.
As deep as the heart of man that cannot be known by another…
A big question is how do you know he who cares from he who is smiling but doesn’t give a shit about you?
If we knew the answer to this more people would share and less would suffer alone…
Hmmm, this is touching, I have been there before, even tried to talk to a few people then but some of them were too selfish to listen, I’m just grateful to God that I’m way past that stage now. Great write-up
Life in itself is full of many troubles and the truth is i know depression is real but when you focus on it, you give it power over your mind and begin to act out its symptoms. Many young adults go through stages of depression and especially as you learn that the world is not so rosy afterall like many pics are painted… When i went through grad school i faced so many betrayals of especially close friends which started affecting my work and other areas of my life. I became extremely anxious and paranoid but i knew that there is more to me than this phrase of life because you know you are not acting normally. I picked up books that reaffirmed who i am, listened to worship music that spoke about my future, read the bible to see who the king says that i am and off course cut off every negative influence in me and learnt to pick my crowd wisely! Today i am very happy and no matter what situation i face i am reassured that the one who has created me is faithful and no matter what happens I am more than a conqueror. The cure to depression is to never label your self as that, express your feelings and reprogram your mind to think better through God`s word.
Very reflective and sad but true, had me engrossed
Depression kills. it has killed several times over. ALL the time because people around haven’t been vigilant enough to see that there was a problem. I have a friend who killed herself: she suffered from postpartum psychosis. Nobody noticed. not even the one she shared a bed with. i think its on all of us to look out for one another and be “really interested” it goes beyond “how are you?”
I’m glad your friend came through.
Thanks for taking the time out to read everyone. Yeah i’ve been better for some years now but sometimes it threatens to return.
To those who asked how you’ll know when someone’s depressed….start with your friends. Be interested in their lives,let them see and feel your genuine concern. dont ever turn down those calls or chats that come at odd times,the person might need to talk.
Study people.When you’re friends with someone,you’ll have a kind of psychic connection to them where you can pick up on their emotions.
Over the years i’ve had strangers open up to me just by being friendly and paying them attention
And lastly, PRAY for your friends everyday; A line…a thousand words…you just never know when it’ll come in handy.
yea depression exists and we all kinda of scheme over it like get over it – i must say i am guilty as well and it wasn’t until I got a glimpse of it once that i believed it exisits. we all need people we can talk to who would listen to us and hold our hands when needed…